As students return home for the holidays, they may complain to their parents about their roommate.
Amanda Bingel, director of residence life at Union College (she has also worked at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute and Dartmouth College), offers these helpful tips for parents to share with their child to help navigate conflict when they head back to campus after the holidays:
1. Communicate. Talk to each other often and openly. If ground rules were not established at the start of the year, it's never too late. Sit down and talk about pet peeves and general rules for the room, and put it in writing.
2. Negotiate. Just like you want to have guests over, stay up to a certain hour and wake up at a certain time, your roommate does as well. Discussing what is reasonable and reaching a compromise are key to getting along.
3. Set and respect boundaries. Each roommate needs to be honest about things that will be deal breakers in the room and establish reasonable boundaries. If your roommate is constantly bringing people over or keeping the lights on until all hours of the night, point out your original expectations if they are not being met. However, remember that you are bound to this same expectation.
4. Respect each other. Actually, it's important to respect each other and each other's stuff. Don't borrow without asking, or take or move things without discussing. You don't need to be best friends with your roommate, but you do need to respect each other.
5. Learn. Be open to getting to know someone new, and learn about your roommate's background, family, heritage and upbringing. This is the only time in your life that you will be exposed to this many new people from so many backgrounds. Take advantage, expand your horizons.
6. Avoid texting. It might seem easy to send your roommate that passive-aggressive text message about leaving clothes all over the room, but it will only stir up trouble. Instead, ask your roommate if you can meet for lunch or coffee to talk about any concerns.
7. Be careful about who you bring over and how often. You may love studying in your room with friends or having your significant other visit, but this is one of the top sources of conflict for roommates.
8. Address things when they're little. You might not want to bring up that small thing your roommate did that annoyed you a little bit, but small things add up. Talking things over when you're not completely aggravated will be more productive and can help avoid big blowups.
9. Ask, don't assume. Just because your roommate left the light on for the millionth time or forgot to put the garbage out in the hallway *again* doesn't mean that he or she is trying to ruin your life. This is why creating open lines of communication early is important. Don't automatically assume bad intent. You would want your roommate to give you the benefit of the doubt, doesn't he/she deserve the same?
10. Make it about you. That's not to say that you should be self-centered. But when you're discussing issues, try to use "I statements" instead of blaming your roommate for whatever is going on. “I'm feeling uncomfortable because of...” or “I don't know if you've noticed but it upsets me when...” will keep the conversation from becoming defensive immediately. Chances are your roommate doesn't know he/she is upsetting you, but if your roommate doesn’t know he or she can't do anything about it.
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