Newswise — Dreams of success are quickly shattered as Donald Trump utters, "You're fired!," in the new NBC pseudo-reality show, The Apprentice, which sometimes brings out defensiveness, finger-pointing and hostility among its competitive participants.
However, the show's glimpse of brutal competition may provide parents an opportunity to shape their child's response to failures and successes that surely lay ahead of them in school, college and careers.
"It seems simplistic to say that we all shoot for success but sometimes fail at what we set out to do," said Dr. Peter L. Stavinoha, a neuropsychologist at Children's Medical Center Dallas. "But we have to learn to be a success at failure, too. And this comes from how we've learned to be resilient, which is a useful lifetime skill parents can teach their children."
Although resilience is partly based on temperament, it is a skill that needs to be learned and practiced throughout childhood in order for it to be well-developed by adulthood, he said.
As difficult as it may be for some parents, letting a child experience failure is the first step in building a healthy sense of resilience. "This does not mean exposing a child to undue stress or pressure," Stavinoha said. "After all, childhood is already filled with opportunities for a child to learn to cope effectively with stress, pressure, possible rejection, and failure.
"But as parents we are sometimes so risk avoidant for our children that we do not let them get into natural situations in which rejection or failure is possible."
Whether one likes it or not, children are paying attention to how parents and other influential adults react to situations, so modeling behavior becomes extremely important. "If parents overreact to their own mistakes and setbacks, kids are more likely to fear mistakes and setbacks and are more likely to see risk as something to be avoided," Stavinoha said.
This is when parents can start teaching effective problem-solving skills and instill the motto, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!" Otherwise, over reaction to setbacks and failures can lead a child to develop perfectionistic tendencies and falling apart in the face of minor setbacks, he said.
Stavinoha also recommends communicating empathy after a failure. "This is not the time to be overly critical. Parents need to see the situation through the child's eyes and understand and validate the child's feelings," he said. "This does not mean that the parent is simply saying what the child did was okay, but it says that we understand where they are emotionally at the time."
Recognizing a child's feelings can make a child more receptive to a later discussion about problem-solving possibilities, which is another healthy way to deal with failure. Parents can take the first step in helping children solve difficult situations, but this does not mean absolving the child and solving problems for them.
"Again, modeling behavior is a good way to impart effective problem-solving skills," Stavinoha said. "This can come during natural situations we may find ourselves in at any time, and can be as simple and common as finding a way to deal with locking the keys in the car."
Equally as important to building resilience is recognizing and highlighting a child's contributions to their own success, he said. But this can be tricky because some parents mistakenly highlight things beyond a child's control, like athletic ability, natural intelligence and other innate qualities. Instead, one can highlight and reinforce those things that the child can control such as effort, perseverance, the willingness to take risks, and the ability to cope with mistakes.
Communicating faith in a child's confidence while recognizing their strengths and weaknesses also helps them build a resilient character. This is where parents might be inclined to be overly protective, if a child gets into a situation in which their weaknesses may lead to failure. "But the overly protective or overly involved parent is basically communicating that 'I don't think you are able to do this by yourself,'" Stavinoha said. "That is not the message we want our kids to hear if they are going to grow into competent, resilient adults."
Finally, helping children develop an emotionally healthy perspective from which to judge success or failure is important to building resiliency, he said. "It is hard for us as parents to admit that our kids have limitations, but they do. Everyone has things they are good at and not so good at, so being realistic about a child's abilities helps us help them set achievable goals.
"Chances are, your child is not perfect or the best at something, so it is important for us as parents to accept our kids for how they are and to love them unconditionally," Stavinoha said. "In the end, our perspective plays a big role in how we teach our children to deal with failure " or success."
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