When Cyberbullies are Home for the Holidays

By Joseph and Claudia Allen

Newswise — The recent rash of cyberbullying incidents raises concerns about the role of technology in our teens’ lives. But the more disturbing questions have little to do with technology: Just what were these young people thinking?

How do we keep ending up with young people in their teens and beyond who seem to have sidestepped critical elements of the socialization process?

With young adults home for the winter holidays, it’s a good time for parents to consider simple ways to raise more empathetic and mature young people, and in the process improve their relationships with their teens. But first, we need to move past some of the myths that have been holding us back.

It’s all in their hormones.Researchers have explored the effect of hormones on teen behavior since American psychologist and educator G. Stanley Hall first described teens’ “raging hormones” more than a century ago. Their conclusion: Hormones can’t account for most problematic teen behavior. Even dating and sexual behavior appear influenced less by hormones than by neighborhood norms. Recently, the search for a biological explanation of teen behavior has shifted to adolescent brain development. Here too, evidence is mixed. Though some parts of the teen brain are still developing, so are parts of the 25-year-old brain. Yet, the brains of 17-year-olds are also peaking in important ways: They can generally process new information faster than their parents.

Moreover, research suggests that the teens whose brains are the most developed are those most likely to take risks, suggesting boredom, not immaturity, as the driving force. But we cling to our belief that simple biology is at the root of teen behavior because it supports a second myth: It will come to an end soon enough.Adolescence used to be brief, lasting only from the moment a teen gained a new capacity until an adult noticed, and said, “Hey you, come here,” and put that teen to work alongside adults. For the grandparents of today’s teens, 18 was the start of adulthood. For many of today’s parents, it was 21.

Currently, 60 percent of 23-year-olds receive regular financial support from their parents and 40 percent of 25-year-olds receive not only regular financial support, but also regular help with basic household tasks!

Time alone will not help our adolescents grow up; they’re more likely to grow old first. Nor can we take solace in that other widely held myth: Teens have always been this way.Anthropologists who have reviewed 200 years’ worth of descriptions of teenagers in more than 100 pre-industrial societies, find no widespread description of youth as erratic or troubling or delinquent. Many societies even lacked terms for juvenile delinquency, the idea making no more sense in those societies than “elder delinquency” would make in ours.

What they did find was this: Societies that experienced the fewest problems with juvenile misbehavior were those that most involved youths in adult work and interactions with adults. The lessons of these societies suggest the danger in keeping teens in a world of their own “until they mature.” They also suggest we’re wrong in looking at adolescent problems and concluding that…

There’s nothing we can do about it.Until 20 years ago, “Nothing works” was the weary refrain of parents and professionals who interacted with troubled American teens. But in recent years, professionals’ understanding of what works has advanced greatly, while popular understanding lags behind.

We now know that everything from criminal behavior to teen depression can be successfully addressed. It doesn’t take much to lead ordinary teens to behave more maturely. What it does take is treating them more like the adults we want them to become.

Programs that engage youth in just a few hours a week of well-thought-out volunteer service — involving them in adult work, interacting with adults — have consistently reduced high school dropout rates and teen pregnancy rates by as much as 50 percent! This suggests that teens’ misbehavior isn’t hardwired into their brains or due to raging hormones. Instead, it stems from adults forcing them into roles of passivity and uselessness, just as they are hitting their peak mental and physical capacities. We just need to love and nurture them more.It’s not what we do for our teens that helps them grow; it’s what we expect of them and teach them to do for themselves. Signing up our teens for more lessons, camps or activities won’t do it, nor will giving them more smart phones, laptops or sound systems. Like all of us, teens thrive when they can contribute to society in a meaningful way.

Myriad opportunities exist — volunteer work, internships, gap years, hands-on learning — that can build teens’ skill sets and bolster their self-confidence. When we build adult experiences into teens’ lives, they often demonstrate a maturity that surprises us, even as it destroys the myths we’ve held about them. This holiday season, why not encourage your teenager to volunteer for an activity that is personally meaningful? It may be the best holiday gift you ever give.