Boundaries, respect keys to political discussions at holiday family gatherings

Ahh, the holidays – a time to gather with relatives, catch up on family news, eat delicious food, watch football … and try to keep the peace while navigating sensitive subjects, such as politics and the recent contentious election.

Politics is a hot potato in any environment, so it’s especially important to have a firm grasp of your family dynamics before deciding whether to bring up certain topics during Thanksgiving dinner.

Cameron W. Davis, Ph.D., Assistant Professor of Psychiatry at UT Southwestern Medical Center, advises people to set personal boundaries and identify “hot” and “cold” topics to steer clear of potentially hostile conversations.

Stress caused by strained family relationships, sometimes brought on by clashing opinions, can have short- and long-term health implications. Sarah Woods, Ph.D., Associate Professor and Vice Chair of Research in the Department of Family and Community Medicine at UTSW, conducted research a few years ago that shows strained family relationships are associated with increased rates of serious chronic conditions. Feelings of stress generate cortisol, a crucial hormone that’s produced by the adrenal glands and acts as a built-in alarm system for your body.

Elevated cortisol levels can induce:

• Disrupted sleep patterns
• Headaches
• Inflammation
• Reduced pain tolerance
• Shortness of breath

Reducing stress during the holidays isn’t always easy, but Drs. Davis and Woods offer some do’s and don’t’s to help you and your family keep calm, gently toss the political football, and most important, enjoy the holidays.

Do's

Communicate respectfully.
Effective communication requires assertiveness, not aggressiveness. When engaging with others, avoid personal attacks and keep the conversation focused on facts and objectives.

Engage in emotion regulation.
Like setting boundaries, emotion regulation requires paying attention to your internal responses to stress, and what makes them most likely to come up. Practicing deep breathing before and during emotionally charged conversations can help you stay grounded and soothed. Trusting our emotions and knowing what we need in order to be well can be a powerful antidote to fear and division – and taking care of you makes it easier to connect with others.

Protect your buttons.
No one knows how to push your buttons like family. The anticipation of conflict is sometimes the worst part. Practice how you will handle stressful conversations and behave toward particular individuals. And try not to push your family members’ buttons, either.

Practice intellectual and political humility.
Conflict is a natural part of relationships, and navigating it effectively is a skill that can be developed. Acknowledging another person’s perspective doesn’t diminish your own values or views. In charged conversations, the goal should not be to “win” but rather to foster understanding and maintain respect.

Listen actively.
Engaging in political conversations, especially when you disagree, requires attentive listening, which is essential for effective communication. If you choose to participate, focus on truly hearing the other person’s perspective. Don’t simply react, but rather respond thoughtfully in a way that reflects your values and understanding. Active listening demonstrates openness, creating space for a more constructive, meaningful exchange.

Find others you trust to connect with.

Focus on identifying people you can be open with during the holidays and beyond, and where you can safely practice authenticity, think openly, and experience nonjudgmental listening. Intentionally create time to spend or check in with them. It doesn’t have to be people who agree with everything you think or vote for, but really focus on the safety factor, which helps create a buffer zone. Families don’t need to be defined by law and blood – they can be defined by choice.

Consider the long-term effects.

Tension, stress, or disagreement may be high now, but families are for longer than today – even if we’re estranged. If conversations are heated, it’s the last time we probably want to make decisions about blowing up and cutting off. Ask yourself: Is this a conversation I want to lose this relationship over? Would doing so take energy away from other things I need to focus on right now? Which hills am I willing to let relationships die on?

Related reading: 7 ways to manage family stress during the holidays

Don't's

Do not feel pressured to engage in emotionally charged conversations.
It’s completely acceptable to step back from conversations that feel emotionally charged or draining. Politely expressing your desire not to engage in political discussions, or gently redirecting the topic, demonstrates healthy boundaries and self-respect.

Do not insist that others accept your views.
In charged conversations, focus on understanding and fostering respectful dialogue rather than persuading others to agree with you. Forcing others to adopt your views is often counterproductive.

Do not pressure others into a debate.
Don’t push anyone to engage in a debate if they’re not mentally or emotionally prepared. Asking for permission or gauging someone’s willingness to discuss the topic can help prevent family tensions.

Do not embark on the holidays without a plan.
It’s helpful if you have a plan for how you will respond to uncomfortable discussions. If you’re attending with a spouse or partner, try to make sure you are on the same page beforehand. Discuss exactly how much time you wish to spend with certain family members and what conversations might be off-limits. You may even want to devise an exit strategy, or create signals – a hand gesture, a wink, or even a touch on the shoulder – that will work to defuse awkward or stressful situations, or cue your partner to step in and help out.

Do not lose sight of your values.
In a divisive climate, the temptation to think in “all-or-nothing” terms can be strong. However, this can harm relationships if unchecked. If family relationships are a priority for you, let this value guide your approach to conversations, keeping your connections with loved ones as a central focus.