The Cancer Journey: Asking For and Accepting Help

Earlier this year, I had fairly minor outpatient surgery to remove a cancerous tumor from my right breast. My partial mastectomy — commonly known as a lumpectomy — and sentinel lymph node biopsy left me with just two small incisions and wearing a compression bra. My surgeon at Sylvester Comprehensive Cancer Center, part of UHealth – the University of Miami Health System, sent me home with simple restrictions:

• Don’t lift more than four pounds.
• Don’t raise your right arm above your head.
• Don’t drive, and don’t exert yourself.

A few months later, I had 16 sessions of radiation to my breast, which took up less than an hour every day for a little over three weeks.

For a cancer patient, this is an easy road. And yet, I still needed help.

Help is a survivorship necessity

The truth is that help is an essential part of surviving cancer, and asking for the help you need is the best way to get it. Research led by Frank J. Penedo, Ph.D., Sylvester’s associate director for Population Sciences and director of Cancer Survivorship and Supportive Care, has shown worse outcomes for people with unmet supportive care and practical needs. Almost 25% of patients visited emergency departments, and 23% were hospitalized. Both emergency room visits and hospitalizations were higher among patients with unmet needs.

“We conducted one of the first studies of a group of racially and ethnically diverse patients coming into a comprehensive cancer center for symptoms such as pain, fatigue, poor physical function, depression and anxiety, and practical needs like transportation and child care,” says Dr. Penedo. “Meeting these needs can impact the patient’s quality of life and possibly cancer outcomes.”

Making the “ask”

I know many people find it hard to ask for help in any situation, even more challenging in times of illness. Being vulnerable is not always easy, and it’s never comfortable.

Luckily for me, I learned pretty early in my life how to ask for help, and by the time I was diagnosed with cancer, I’d gotten pretty comfortable with it. So, after taking a few days to absorb my diagnosis, I made my first “ask.” I sent a social media message to an acquaintance who is a physician and who had gone through breast cancer treatment several years before. I asked her for help in the form of advice about early steps I should take, pitfalls to be aware of and how to choose a surgeon.

This acquaintance was generous with her time, information and contacts. Buoyed by how supported my conversations with her made me feel, I felt empowered to ask for time and information from other breast cancer survivors. Every woman I asked seemed happy to help me, and each was generous.

Just ask for help however it works for you

After surgery, the more awkward asks began. Many friends and family members who learned of my illness wanted to know how they could help. At first, I was hesitant to ask for anything. Honestly, I’d had minor surgery, and I had a competent husband at home.

I soon realized, though, that I could use some assistance. And since they’d offered, I decided to ask. In the week after surgery, I asked one friend to come over and do my hair — wash, condition, apply product, style and blow-dry (with a diffuser, so this wasn’t a quick task). She was awesome! I treated her to lunch. We both enjoyed the time together.

Also, in those early weeks after surgery, I needed new compression sports bras to rotate with the single (mostly) comfortable compression bra I had. I ordered two more of the same bra for in-store pickup at the mall because I didn’t have time to wait 10 days for delivery. But, I wasn’t cleared to drive, and my poor husband was already overworked — he was doing all the housework, taking care of the dog, getting things down from high places, helping me dress, and doing his own professional job. I needed help. A trip to the mall to pick up bras for you is a big thing to ask a friend. I sucked up my courage, gave myself a pep talk and then … texted a friend. Everyone says you should ask a big favor over the phone, but I just couldn’t. And it was OK. She said yes right away, and the next day, I had the bras I needed.

Asking for help gets easier

Other things I asked for during my cancer journey: for my sister to be on speaker phone during all of my doctor’s appointments, for my in-laws to stay with me the day after my surgery, for a neighbor to take my dog out a couple of times when my husband wasn’t around, for another neighbor to bring a package into my condo for me.

Honestly, asking for help got easier the more I did it.

People like people they help

Notice that the subhead doesn’t read, “People help people they like” (although that may also be true). Research has shown that most people are happier after doing something kind for another person. And multiple studies have found that when you ask someone for a favor, and they do that favor for you, they usually end up liking you more! One of the most significant reasons is that most humans like to be useful and end up liking others who enable us to be useful. Also important: Asking someone for help conveys that you trust them.

When you’re dealing with an illness, either as a patient or a caregiver, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed, assume everyone else feels overwhelmed, too, and assume that any request you make of someone would bother them. It turns out that’s just not the case. When you ask someone for help with a direct request, you allow them to feel useful and helpful. Both helper and recipient are doing a good deed.

I had the chance to grasp this myself a few days after I finished my radiation treatment. The cousin of a friend of mine reached out to ask me for help with her own new breast cancer diagnosis. I was genuinely happy for the opportunity to help her and share my time and insights with her the way so many other women had done for me. I appreciated being useful and thanked the other woman for the opportunity to help her.

So, cancer survivors, cancer patients, caregivers — give someone who cares about you the opportunity to help you. Ask for what you need.