“Complicated family dynamics, combined with issues surrounding eating, weight, and body image, can be a recipe for misunderstandings and hurt feelings,” says Stacey Cahn, PhD, associate professor of clinical psychology at Philadelphia College of Osteopathic Medicine. She suggests expanding the typical list of “taboo” conversation topics—such as politics and religion—and says everyone has the “POWER” to avoid potential landmines this holiday season:
PoliticsOthers’ weightWeight (yours)ExerciseReligion
Here, Dr. Cahn offers five POWER tips that go beyond politics and religion: 1. DON’T comment on others’ weight. Many families commonly make “appearance-oriented” comments, such as, “You look great! Have you lost weight?” Even such well-meaning, weight-related comments can be misinterpreted by some and trigger anxiety and self-consciousness. The holiday dinner table is generally not the time to comment on someone’s weight, or the amount of food on their plate. Give the Food and Weight Police the day off this holiday. It’s fine to count your own calories…but not someone else’s.
2. DON’T comment on your own weight. People of all sizes can publicly bemoan their weight (e.g., “I’m so fat and disgusting! I shouldn’t even be eating this.”). While this may simply reflect reassurance-seeking about one’s weight, it can make others feel awkward and uncomfortable during a holiday feast (“Wow, if she thinks she’s fat, what must she be thinking about me? Does she think I shouldn’t be eating this?”). There’s simply no effective public response to publicly shared, weight-based self-criticism (see #1), and it can trigger others’ insecurities. Try to give your “inner-critic” the day off, or keep self-criticisms to yourself.
3. GUESTS: DO bring food you can eat if you follow a special diet (e.g., gluten-free, Paleo, kosher, vegan, etc.). Hosting a large holiday gathering is stressful. It’s a lot of work, even without any guests with dietary restrictions. If you follow a special diet, tell your host in advance what you’d like to bring, and make enough for others to try. Bring a serving dish and spoon (disposable ones if your host keeps a kosher kitchen). Expecting your host to prepare a special meal just for you invites resentment (and potential unpopularity).
4. HOSTS: DO be sensitive to guests of all sizes. Just like you’d accommodate your younger guests with a booster seat, larger friends and family may appreciate comparable accommodations. For example, people of larger size are often more comfortable in chairs without arms, or may prefer sitting where they are not forced to squeeze past other guests at the table. Consider using place cards to discreetly ensure the comfort, dignity, and respect of all your guests.
5. DON’T proselytize, even if your fitness regimen is “The Way.” Don’t mistake polite attentiveness for fascination. Here’s the truth: people’s workout routines are often boring to everyone but themselves—not even dear friends or family are generally that interested.. Other family members, particularly those with physical limitations, may feel awkward or excluded if they have nothing to contribute to the sermon conversation.
*A version of this piece originally ran on Philly.com: http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/goal-getter-nutrition/Give-the-weight-police-a-day-off-this-holiday.html
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