Newswise — The holidays are thought to be a time of peace and love, but when a divorce breaks family ties, special times can be filled with stress for both parents and children.
Dr. Howard Turney, head of UALR's School of Social Work and a practicing marriage and family therapist, said even when divorce impacts a family, parents should remember to maintain structure, stability, and consistency.
"It's a cliché, but a divorce truly is the hardest for the children involved," Turney said. "Children want their parents to be together no matter the circumstances. Holidays are especially important times for children to feel loved and an important part of our lives."
With about half of all marriages ending in any given year, divorce has become a significant part of many children's lives. Turney said parents may see problems reflected in grades, school behavior, and interaction with family members.
"Holidays are a time for children to have fun with their families," he added. "We should be focused on making sure that children in divorced families are able to have as normal a holiday as possible."
Some people have the ability to interact positively with their former spouses, but all divorced parents should make the effort to get along during the winter holidays, he pointed out. To smooth possible holiday problems, parents should consider spending part of the holiday together amicably.
"Having both parents there on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning can make all the difference," Turney said. "A child doesn't have to choose between parents. That loyalty is not split, and the children can share special times with both parents."
By spending time together harmoniously, he added, parents are sharing a valuable lesson " that they respect one another and care most about their children.
Even when a couple cannot work together during the holidays, however, Turney said it is still important to help children enjoy the special time.
"It's so important for children to see that their parents are not adversaries " that one is not more fun or more 'mean' than the other," Turney said. "So we have to make sure children have a smooth transition between different parents' homes, cars, and celebrations."
Turney warns that emotions are high during the holidays " for both parents and children.
"Bad interactions with parents can stay in children's memories forever," Turney said. "We should aim to put aside whatever we're working on at the moment " anger, depression, or a new relationship " and make sure our children are enjoying their holidays."
Here are some tips for divorced parents to make the holidays a happy experience for their children:
"¢ Stick to the schedule as much as possible, but be flexible. Traffic and the excitement of holidays can cause delays. This will cut down on the child's anxiety about being on time. "¢ When a parent is missing a holiday or birthday, encourage the child to send cards and e-mails. Make time to celebrate a holiday or birthday prior to the actual day."¢ Whoever has custody on a special day should make sure the child has time to speak with the other parent."¢ Coordinate gift giving. Parents should not compete to see who provides the best present."¢ Let children take one parent's gift to the other spouse's home. The gift belongs to the child, not the parent."¢ Arrange visitations so children can spend Father's Day with Dad and Mother's Day with Mom."¢ Help children create ideas for remembering the other parent, signaling to the child that he or she has permission to love the other parent.
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