It's a question that parents are going to have to deal with: "Are people going to die in the war, mommy?"
Little ears are listening as talk of the United States going to war with Iraq grows louder, and military involvement appears more likely. Parents should prepare for questions from their children, says Ken Haller, M.D., assistant professor of pediatrics at Saint Louis University School of Medicine and a pediatrician at SSM Cardinal Glennon Children's Hospital.
"Listen to what they're asking behind the words they use. Chances are, when a young child asks, 'What's going to happen if we go to war with Iraq,' what they're really asking is, 'Am I going to get hurt?' or 'Are Mom and Dad going to get hurt?' That's what really needs to be addressed rather than the geopolitics," Dr. Haller says.
So instead of discussing why the United States is contemplating war, talk about your child's feelings, Dr. Haller advises.
"Ask him, 'Are you scared something is going to happen to you or me?' Then reassure him as much as possible that you'll do what you can to keep him safe. You can say, 'I'm going to take care of you.'"
Children may keep asking questions, or your answer may be enough to satisfy them and they'll drop the subject. Follow their lead. Some children may ask if people are going to get killed during a war.
"You have to be truthful and say people are going to get hurt. Then ask them, 'What are your thoughts about that?'" Haller says.
It is tricky to balance giving honest answers with reassuring your child, and Haller shares these suggestions in talking with your child about war:
*Ask as many questions as you give answers. Give your child the opportunity to process what you say, and ask how he feels about it.
*Keep your answers short and honest. Answer what is being asked without providing lots of detailed information. "Let them go at their own pace in terms of what questions they ask. Don't go beyond what they ask unless they ask a follow up."
*Field a 4-year old's question differently than a 14-year old's. When you're talking to an older child, you might talk about your political views. Remember to ask what she thinks.
*It's OK to say, "I don't know" or to express uncertainty about what's going to happen. Tell your child you'll try to get answers and will keep him in the loop when you know more.
*Respect your teenager's views on the war, which are likely to be different from yours. "Developmentally, they're in a stage where they're rebelling against parents and probably won't be shy about expressing opinions that you might not share. You have to respect that and not automatically discount their views because you have more authority," Haller says.
*Buffer your child from graphic war images in the media. Watch news promos, which run before the main news broadcasts, to make sure the information is something you think appropriate for your child to see. Don't be afraid to switch the channel or turn off the television set. If you decide your child can see the news, try to watch the program with him.
*Look for the signs of unexpressed anxiety. Changes in sleeping patterns -- either sleeping too much or not enough, loss of appetite, a drop in school performance or behavior problems could be tip offs that your child is stressed. Let her know that you've noticed the changes and give her the chance to tell you what she's thinking. "Give her breathing space, but at the same time continue to make yourself available and willing to discuss what's bothering her. Anxiety about war can take a toll on anyone. Don't be afraid to call your pediatrician if your child seems to be having problems."
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